An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
