Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
