You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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