I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
