So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
