whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
