I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
