i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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