I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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