i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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