I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
