when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize