Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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