ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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