There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
