I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
