someone get that fucking seahorse.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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