Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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