i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
