Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
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