ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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