Pants 0. Shit 1.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
