Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
