I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
