Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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