I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
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