his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
