remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
