We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I met the friendliest cop last night
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize