My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
