I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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