Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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