just tell him i said nine months
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
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