I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
