When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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