It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
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