I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
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