I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
