I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
