man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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