one word: firstdatebathroomanal
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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