So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Randomize
