why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
