i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
