So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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