I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
