The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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