you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
