the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
