when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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