so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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