I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
