Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize