i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
