So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize