I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
