C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
