Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
This is my gift to your gina
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
