I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
