wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Randomize
