I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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