I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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