saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
